I found out yesterday that my husband had spent the previous night watching porn on his cell phone while I was asleep next to him. He stayed up until 2 in the morning watching porn and then woke up and continued masturbating and watching porn until our son woke up and needed him.
I was lying in bed right next to him asleep the whole time.
I can’t really describe the anger I’m feeling right now. I feel so stupid for believing that he would change, that he wanted to change, for believing that he loved me, that he cared about our family. That he cared about anyone, anything but himself.
I feel like he’s two different people. One is the person he wants everyone to believe he really is: active in his congregation, involved father, loving husband, hard-working and ambitious. The other is the person that he is when he’s alone with a computer. I think I may be in love with a person that he wants to be, but isn’t. I think I may have married someone who doesn’t exist.
“I lost control,” he said.
I try to fit those words into some space in my mind where they make sense or help at all. It’s like jamming a square peg into a round hole. I feel myself going numb again, filled with rage. Blackout rage, dangerous rage, out of control rage.
It’s the impotence that causes my rage. Because I’ve been in this marriage long enough to know that there is nothing, absolutely nothing that I can do about his betrayal, his choices, his lies. It will keep happening until he wants it to stop and it’s just that simple. It’s not really about me. I know it really isn’t, but it sure does fuck up my life enough for it to become about me.